If you want to achieve a goal or change, it is essential to have structure.  When we’re young, if we’re blessed and fortunate enough to have good parents, some structure is present in our lives from the beginning.  If we don’t have good parents to give us structure, we will automatically become shaped by whatever structures happen to be in our lives at the time we’re growing up- friends, school, sports, hobbies.  For example, when we’re growing up if our parents don’t force us to study, stay out of trouble, be kind to others, eat well, and other things like this, they may never happen our entire lives unless a teacher at school or some other structure we self-impose is strong enough to guide us in the right direction.  Although there is certainly a place for wildness, fun, and adventure, we need a predominance of structure in our lives so that we can get things done, stay health, and live a good life.  Our lives can be negatively affected by a lack of structure.

You may be reading this thinking, “I never had structure in my life.”  That’s ok, because none of us had the perfect amount, and too much structure would probably not be good anyway. Plus, as an adult it’s up to us to put the right structures in place.  So it’s not too late to get the structure you need to create a better future for yourself.  Maybe you want to…..

• Get in better shape
• Learn to be a better computer programmer
• Lose 20 pounds
• Quit smoking
• Learn to control your anger
• Stop worrying
• Renovate your house
• Save more money
• Learn self-defense
• Become a singer
• Get a better job
• Have a better spiritual life and feel more grateful

These are just some examples of things you might want to do.\

If we look at the Stages of Change, we can see the 6 stages and where to start thinking about structure:

1. Pre-Contemplation
2. Contemplation
3. Preparation - *Plan your structure here
4. Action - *Implement your structure here
5. Maintenance
6. Relapse

Structure comes into play in the 3rd stage.  Think about and plan out your structure, so that you can achieve your goal.  What this means is that for whatever goal you have you’re going to need to put a committed structure in place which forces you to get there.  If you put the structure in place, you won't have to think about achieving your goal, you will achieve your goal!

A lack of structure will leave you waffling through life thinking “if I’d only done this” or “if I’d only done that” while at the same time, a committed structure will force you to rise to the occasion and create a life for yourself that is better and more fulfilling.  It’s so easy not to do this.  It’s easy  to avoid any type of structure and just get by.  But you don’t want to do that.  

A great book was written on this topic which I read a few years back:

The Path of Least Resistance: Learning to Become the Creative Force in Your Own Life by Robert Fritz

For the preceding examples, I’ve put together an example of a simple structure that would “force” you to get to where you want to be in regards to this specific goal.  You can choose other structures.

• Get in better shape    >   Join a fitness class or running group
• Learn to be a computer programmer   >   Sign up for a course   
• Lose 20 pounds   >   Write down every single thing you eat
• Quit smoking   >   Take Nicorette 
• Learn to control your anger   >   Learn a breathing exercise
• Stop worrying   >   Use a journal to write out your worries
• Renovate your house   >   Ask a friend to help you every Saturday on a small project and then do the same for him / her
• Save more money   >   Set up automatic withdrawals to savings before you get your check
• Learn self-defense   >   Pay up front for a martial arts class or start a self-defense hobby group once a week for free using materials from books
• Become a singer   >    Join a choir at a church
• Get a better job   >   Move to a place that’s hiring 
• Have a better spiritual life and feel more grateful   >   Get up earlier every morning for quiet time and right down 5 things you’re thankful for every day.
  
  

This entire past year I’ve been writing essays on freedom.  Freedom ironically requires structure and self-control.  In the next few weeks, I’ll be wrapping up this series with a couple more essays.

I hope you’ve found this year-long exploration on the philosophy of freedom helpful, and I’m excited to wrap it up on a positive note.

Warmly,

Scott

Read Next: A Reader's Summary of Movement & Meaning

Learned Helplessness

When elephants are young, an animal trainer will tie a rope around their leg to keep them from escaping.  After furiously trying to escape for a period of time, the young elephant will eventually give up.  Trained elephants, once they’ve been broken, don’t try to escape anymore.  They give up and accept their lot in life.  Addictions or things that enslave us are a lot like this.  We come to believe that it’s helpless to try or tell ourselves that anyway, and so we give up and we acquire a disposition of learned helplessness.  We can be addicted to or controlled by many things without even knowing it.  Some of the usual suspects:

• Alcohol 
• Drugs
• Food
• Media
• Porn / Sex
• Work
• TV
• Infidelity 
• Illegal Activities
• Gambling 
• Shopping
• Smoking

On the other hand, some things we don’t think about which can have a controlling effect on us, which might not be addictions per se are:

• Other people - narcissists, controlling people
• Anger
• Jobs, Bosses
• Consumer Debt
• Social Status
• Social Media
• Laws 
• Political Systems
• Thought Police / Political correctness
• Lifestyle
• Peer group
• Our thought patterns- neurotic, negative
• A negative self-image
• Depression 
• Gossip
• Anxiety

We will more than likely have to deal with some of these things in our life, so it’s good to be aware of their influence.  We may want to change, but feel helpless, or maybe we aren’t even aware that we have a problem with one of these.  

The problem with learned helplessness is that it is highly related to mental illness and depression.  We don’t want to be someone who has learned to be or feel helpless.  I’ve written about this before, but like a lot of college kids, I was in to the binge drinking scene for a time.  I’m not going to lie and say it wasn’t fun sometimes, but it also was a bad habit and a bad way to deal with stress.  I was never an alcoholic but you tend to do dumb things when you binge drink.  I still enjoy drinking in moderation, but have learned that I do better and am healthier and happier drinking in moderation and with periods of abstinence.   The controlling aspect started in college when I associated going out with drinking a lot.   It took a while after college to learn that wasn’t the best way to do things, particularly as a means of dealing with stress.  This is an example of learned helplessness, in that I was unaware that I had a limitation on health and happiness until I taught myself to moderate.  

Our habits become who we are, and we feel helpless to change.

Part of learning to have a healthy view of alcohol (which is actually good for you in moderation), or anything else for that matter, is to learn to change if it causes you problems.  

The Stages of Change

 5 Ways to Be a Better Listener

    "The art of conversation lies in listening." --Malcom Forbes

    "We have two ears and one tongue so that we would listen more and talk less." —Diogenes

    "The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said" --Peter Drucker

    "When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen." --Ernest Hemingway

First, a little background information.  I enjoy and find it meaningful to provide tips and advice when it comes to stress and mental health.  Even though I’m not a licensed counselor, I’ve coached, trained, taught, and mentored 100s of people and have studied psychology and mental health for over 15 years, so I’ve become proficient in the area. 

Two of the biggest issues that drive mental health and stress in our day and time are neuroticism and narcissism, which I’ve written about quite a bit. Our culture, with it’s emphasis on momentary “happiness” and “self-fulfillment” promotes these two things as the standard way of being for most of us.  Our comedy and most of our counseling for anxiety and depression is about neuroticism, and our obsession with media and technology, along with consumerism, pushes us all towards a posture of self-obsession.

Neuroticism is a tendency to overthink and to blur the lines between our reality and our thoughts, and can lead to anxiety and depression, whereas narcissism is a lack of boundaries,  general immaturity, selfishness, obsession with self, or a lack of a fully developed self into personhood with healthy values and boundaries.  

Neuroticism is characterized by worry, whereas ….

Narcissism is characterized by a draining, self-centered energy.  Narcissistic people are often very charismatic and likable, at first.  


From a book, The Culture of Narcissism, which impacted me quite a bit when I read it:

     “Our growing dependence on technologies no one seems to understand or control has given rise to feelings           of powerlessness and victimization. We find it more and more difficult to achieve a sense of continuity, permanence, or connection with the world around us. Relationships with others are notably fragile; goods are made to be used up and discarded; reality is experienced as an unstable environment of flickering images. Everything conspires to encourage escapist solutions to the psychological problems of dependence, separation, and individuation, and to discourage the moral realism that makes it possible for human beings to come to terms with existential constraints on their power and freedom.” 

― Christopher Lasch, The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations


One way to combat these two unhealthy tendencies, which probably affect all of us from time to time, is to become a better listener.  I’m convinced some of us either aren't aware we aren't good listeners, or we just don't know how to listen.  I would like to be a better listener myself.  We can have much better and healthier workplaces, homes, and organizations if we would only listen better and really hear what the other person has to say.

Most people never feel heard.

We need to get out of our own heads, away from our own petty concerns, and our own negative habits and instead try to understand other people.  

As I heard someone jokingly  say, listening is not defined as “waiting until the other person shuts up so you can talk.”  On the contrary, it takes real effort. 

Being in a business where I have to talk and connect with people all day long has allowed me to develop my communication skills, though I surely have room for improvement.  These are the things that have helped me the most over the years become a better communicator:


5 Tips for Better Listening 

Ask More Questions 

When you’re talking with someone, ask them questions to get them to open up. You can even try the Socratic method: Keep asking more and more questions to try to get to the truth, which can often take some serious work.  If there is a lull in the conversation, ask a question.  If you haven’t seen someone in a while, ask them a question.  

Ask Open-Ended Questions 

Why? How? What do you think about…? Ask questions that require more than a yes or no answer, so people will be encouraged to share their thoughts and values.  This can create a good connection among two people and is helpful for negotiation and for trying to see the other person’s point of view.  It also creates stronger and more intimate bonds by finding things you have in common.

Repeat Back What People Say to Them

It is so common for us not to listen.  Because I’d say 80% of the time we are not listening to what others say, if you repeat back what someone says it will create a high degree of trust. Plus, reporting aloud what someone says will force you to focus on the present and on what the other person is saying.  That way when your mind starts to drift, you’ll be drawn back to repeating what the other person says.  If you make someone feel heard by repeating what they’re saying, they feel cared for, and this can help you achieve your goal(s), have healthier relationships, and become closer.  

Make Eye Contact

When you look away from someone, it communicates distraction.  When you look at someone and make eye contact, it builds confidence in you, the relationship, and the talker feels valued.  They are more likely to trust you and to want to hear what you have to say when it’s your turn to talk if you make eye contact.  

Be Active While You Listen

An interesting study I read years ago validated something I had experienced many times.  I always found it pretty difficult to sit still and listen.  This study showed that most men, unlike women, have a hard time listening while they are sitting still.  Men are better at listening while they’re doing something, whereas women are about the same either way.  This could be contributed to a tendency of men to be more physical by nature, or it could be due to a biological predisposition to goal-oriented behavior, versus “sharing of feelings” in men.  Regardless, try going for a walk, shooting pool, playing golf, or doing some work together while you listen to each other.  If men and women walked and talked together you could cut the divorce rate in half!  

Listening is a skill, and it takes practice to become good at it.  Give these 5 tips a try, and in 2017 we’ll all hear each other a little better. 

Read Next:  The 12 Commandments of Fitness

If You Like my blog, please pass it on and contact me for a speaking engagement.
Have a great week
​Scott 

We have an exciting lineup for our second annual Movement & Meaning Health & Fitness Conference 2017 at the Capital City Club in Atlanta.  

I'm looking forward to learning some new things about aging well, psychological wellbeing, joint health and mobility, athletic performance, food allergies, eating better, as well as ways to get more activity during the day.

Last year's event was fun and motivational, even for me, the organizer.

If you're a member of Capital City, I'd love to see you there.

If you'd like to schedule a similar conference at your place of work, business, or at your organization, let me know.   

Scott